


The Condiment AU

by Unforth



Series: Prompt Fics: Supernatural [56]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Condiments, Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-19
Updated: 2020-06-19
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:33:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24813889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unforth/pseuds/Unforth
Summary: Dean's just good old American mayonnaise and then Castiel arrives in the fridge and suddenly all Chuck wants is French mustard on his sandwiches.Typical.(this is utter crack, I blame the PB Discord crew, and I'm not sorry.)
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: Prompt Fics: Supernatural [56]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/708447
Comments: 21
Kudos: 47





	The Condiment AU

**Author's Note:**

> The challenge was made to turn this picture into a Destiel AU:  
>   
> Challenge accepted.
> 
> (photograph by PallasPerilous)

Dean always hated that mustard guy. Like, mustard is mustard. It's yellow. And stinky. And viscous. And then that asshole showed up, saying he was French, saying he was Dijon, saying his name was ~Castiel~, like - what the fuck, douche bag, stop putting on airs. Like Cas-ti-el isn't in a squeeze bottle just like all the other goddamn condiments in the fridge door.

Of course, these days Dean doesn't have much room to argue. Ever since Sam went on that fucking health kick and made Dean go all "heart smart," like, yeah, a steady diet of being smeared on every hot dog, hamburger, and sandwich in the tri-state area wasn't great for Dean's health but he hadn't been putting on _that_ much weight. But nooo, use olive oil next time, half the fat, all the taste, fuck that was _bullshit_ , and Sam was an _asshole and Dean had gotten laid (on a bun, a hot dog roll, or even a fucking kaiser) in fucking months. Same great taste his left one!_

But that Dijon douche bag was something else again. All the rage. Great on everything. It was almost like he was Dean's replacement.

Not that Dean was jealous or anything. 

Who'd be jealous of a French guy? They're _French_.

And so Dean is going through his same grumbly diatribe while Sam rolls his eyes and shakes up the settled bits of his balsamic vinaigrette because of course Chuck has gone for the mustard _again_ and Dean is gonna be left _again_ and it _sucks_ and what's so great about being French anyway...when Chuck takes him out of the fridge.

And measures out a cup and a half of mayo.

And dumps a bunch of Dean in the bowl.

Where there's already at least a couple tablespoons of mustard, not that Dean is counting...not that in small quantities Castiel doesn't actually smell great and have this perfect tang...not that Dean misses all those times they were on a sandwich together because f _uck that_...and then Chuck gets a spoon. And starts to stir. And as the mustard swirls through the mayo, and Castiel and Dean mingle, Dean realizes what's somehow eluded him for all these months since he was brought home from the supermarket.

Him and Castiel...the two of them together...make a better chip dip than either of them would _ever_ be alone. They are worth _way_ more combined than the sum of their parts. And that is something no one can ever take away from them.

(Which is a damn good thing because it's not like they can be differentiated by the time Chuck is done stirring.)

Whatever's coming next for them, Dean is sure...now that he's mixed with Castiel, he's never going back to the way things were before.

And he will make the, "yeah, I got a little French in me" jokes while pointing at the Dijon jar for the rest of his goddamn life, and will laugh every single time Castiel then protests that he's not _little_. (but it was definitely a step to far when Castiel then said Dean could stand to be a little _littler_ too and that's obviously why he's made with olive oil now. Dean is  _ not  _ fat. He's  _ curvaceous. _ )

It's nothing like what Dean expected out of life...but really, why should a mayo guy think he'd find true love in a mustard-spiced dip?

Dean doesn't know, but he wouldn't change a thing.

**Author's Note:**

> (Additional inspiration from here: https://www.allrecipes.com/recipe/228336/mustard-mayonnaise-sauce/)
> 
> I'd apologize but I'm a lying liar who lies and am not even a little bit sorry.


End file.
